Rabbi's Blog

’It’s been almost four months since my mother (Hareini Kaporas Mishkava) passed away. Up until this point I have been primarily davening and leading the services (as a mourner for a parent does) in San Diego at Beth Jacob. There were a few instances when I was in Los Angeles, and with the help of some of the locals, was able to secure ‘The Amud’, loosely explained as the podium from where the chazzan leads. Putting aside the rotation of leading davening when there are multiple mourners in Shul, and/or to a man observing the Yahrzeit of a parent (who then leads), I have been able to lead the davening. I even went to the effort of davening at the local Yeshiva high school and the Menahel went above and beyond getting a minyan together after school on Friday! I know one or two people who made a diary of the year they needed to say Kaddish. They recorded all the different places and types of congregations or minyanim where they davened.

I already anticipated the difficulty that awaited me in planning how to daven with a minyan to say kaddish and, more importantly, to lead the services as much as I could. There is no doubt in my mind that if a person puts forth a reasonable amount of effort, Hashem creates opportunities and arranges for things to work out. So, on this recent trip, I flew out on the red-eye after Maariv in San Diego and was able to catch a late Shacharis in New York. Even though New York has many different places to daven, one still needs to map out the locations, times, and if the ‘Amud’ is available, meaning that no one else has a greater or higher-level obligation than  I. One other point is that a mourner wanting to lead the davening needs to flexible. The nusach may not be his own; for example, I needed to daven nusach Sefard in one place and even don a gartel in another, as that is the custom of that place. Another instance was finding and leading a Vasikin minyan in order to catch an early flight. The most giving and trying situation for me was the pressure to daven maariv as quickly as possible at Yankee stadium during the seventh-inning stretch in front of the kosher food stand. I have a greater sense of appreciation for someone who is able and willing to run the gauntlet of the various customs and myriad of people associated with daily minyan.

I believe everyone reading this knows that speaking during Kedusha is forbidden and most, if not everyone, would never talk during that time. I’m not as certain if people know that in Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim 57 the Mishna Brurah equates kaddish to kedusha, indicating that it is forbidden to speak during kedusha. Perhaps the highlight (if I can call it that) of reciting kaddish came about this past Shabbos. I did not know at the outset how many people would be reciting kaddish besides me. With a Shul of well over three hundred men, I could not anticipate that I would be the only one. The room fell silent. I began to recite kaddish and realized the only voice I heard was my own. At that point in kaddish, when the congregation responded ‘Yehei Shmei Rabba’ in full force I had a sense that my mother’s neshama was warmed and elated by the fervor and intensity of that kaddish. To be clear Kaddish is not a prayer of sadness; it is, rather, strictly a praise of Hashem, through which elevation and comfort is brought to the soul.  The entire tzibur was involved and concentrated on their response as if they were mourning as well, resulting in the fulfillment of kaddish. At that moment, I felt a transcendence of my own personal mourning to a piece of the Jewish people.

 There are a few references to mourning in the Torah. There are two individuals for whom the Jewish people should mourn in similar ways. Nevertheless, as they passed away the mourning time was the same but the number of people who were involved in one’s mourning was far greater than the other. In this week’s parsha Chukas, we read of the passing of Aharon HaKohain. In Bamidbar 20:29“Vayir’u Kal HaEida Ki Gava Aharon, VaYivku Es Aharon Shloshim Yom Kol Beis Yisrael”: “The whole congregation saw that Aharon had expired, and the entire house of Israel wept for Aharon for thirty days”. Yet, in Devarim 34:8 the Torah states: “Vayivku Bnei Yisrael Es Moshe….” “And the sons of Israel wept for Moshe in the plains of Moav for thirty days…..”  The difference between Aharon and Moshe is the detail of who cried and mourned for them. With regard to Moshe, the mourning was limited to Bnei Yisrael, but in the case of Aharon, it says Kol Beis Yisrael. Rashi, quoting an Avos D’Rebbi Nasson 12 explains that is was both the men and women -  the entire Jewish people mourned for Aharon while only the men mourned for Moshe. Rashi, in Chukas, explains that since Aharon was a lover and a pursuer of peace between men, if a couple were in a quarrel, Aharon was the first known marriage counselor as he brought husbands and wives back together. Rashi explains that when Moshe died, the Torah only mentions the men and not the women. The lack of ‘all ‘of the Jewish people mourning was limited due to the description of the men crying and not the women.

The Eben Ezra points out the slight change and nuance between B’Nei Yisrael mourning for Moshe and Kol Beis Yisrael mourning for Aharon as a sign of Kavod/honor to Moshe. If the Torah would have used the identical language as used for Aharon, it would have been an embarrassment to Moshe. The slight nuance in language creates a different appearance and not a clear understanding of the difference between the two. This indication is, Heaven Forbid to take away from the glory of Moshe, to preserve Moshe’s honor and greatness; if not we might have thought that only some people mourned and not everyone. The distinction lays in the different roles that Moshe and Aharon played in the lives of B’Nei Ysrael. Neither of their roles was greater than the other, but they affected different people in different ways.

I internalize the kaddish and response to be directly linked to the way my mother affected different people in different ways throughout her life. We should all seek out ways in life to affect the lives of others in a positive way. Let us all use the opportunity of responding to a kaddish, or if we are the instigator of creating the response to kaddish, to use it in a manner to do something positive and to remember the souls being elevated while praising Hashem.

Ah Gut Shabbos

Rabbi Avraham Bogopulsky

Rabbi Bogopulsky’s new book “Developing A Torah Personality” is available for purchase directly from him or Amazon