Rabbi's Blog

The book “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus states that most common relationship problems between men and women are a result of fundamental psychological differences between the genders. The author exemplifies this thesis by means of a metaphor: men and women are from distinct planets;  each one is acclimated to his/her own planet's society and customs, but not to those of the other. One example:  men's complaint that if they offer solutions to problems that women bring up in conversation, the women are not necessarily interested in solving those problems, but mainly want to just talk about them. The book asserts that men and women can be understood in terms of distinct ways they respond to stress and stressful situations. Do I need John Gray to tell me this? The answer, of course is no! If I learn, study and follow the Torah, I recognize and understand the different roles and missions males and females have to complete this world we live in together.

Men and women are inherently different in the obvious physical ways and in the non-obvious emotional ways. There are many menial tasks and jobs that take place in a house. There are some homes with rules and jobs and or specific chore delegations such as taking out the garbage and washing dishes. Nevertheless, there are a few tasks done by either husband, wife, or by sons or daughters. One such task, oddly enough, is the replacing of toilet paper on the roll. This may sound strange, but I would like to take a virtual poll. When replacing the roll, does it hang flush against the wall or just hang in mid-air? Now, I do know that toilet paper comes in different colors such as blue and pink, but without further stereotyping, the poll would only solicit from homes using white toilet paper. I would like to postulate that the results of the poll, based upon my household, is that when women hang the roll, the paper is faced away from the wall, and when men replace the roll, the paper is hung close and flush to the wall. I’m not sure if I will get any measurable quality data about this question from this article. One thing for sure is that men and women are different and, no matter how many scientists, psychologists, and psychiatrists chip into this discussion, none of us really know why. The main reason we don’t know why is because the Torah (Hashem) did not go out of His way to tell us. The question is… why not? Why does God give us more information and reasons behind the Mitzvos?  The answer is not one that I or many of you would think of.

In this week’s parshas Shoftim 17:16,17 the Torah states: “Rak Lo Yarbeh Lo Susim V’Lo Yashiv Es Ha’Am Mitzraima L’Maan Harbos Sus, Va’Hashem Amar Lachem Lo Tosifun Lashuv Baderech Hazah Ode. V’Lo Yarbeh Lo Nashim V’Lo Yasur L’Vavo, V’esef V’Zahav Lo Yarbeh Lo M’ode”. “The king however, must not accumulate many horses, so as not to bring the people back to Egypt to get more horses. …He also must not have many wives, so that they not make his heart go astray. He shall likewise not accumulate very much silver and gold”. The Gemara Sanhedrin 21b and Rambam Hilchos Melachim 3:2 explain that although polygamy was permitted, and was common for kings, the Jewish king was forbidden to have more than eighteen wives.

* On the pesukim warning a king not to have too many horses or wives, the Yalkut Shimoni points out the answer as to why the Torah doesn’t give reasons why not to do things. Rebbi Yitzchok said: Why is it that God didn’t just tell us the reasons behind the Mitzvos? He answers that there are two Mitzvos where the Torah actually does reveal the reasons and a person actually ended up sinning because he did know the reason why he shouldn’t have done what he did. The Torah, as cited earlier, states that a king should not take many wives. The reason was “Lo Yasur L’Vavo “ – “Do not turn his heart away”. Shlomo HaMelech, King Solomon, said:  “I will take more wives (Shlomo had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. Melachim Aleph 10) but I will not turn”, meaning I can handle the test, therefore I can marry many wives because they will not influence me. Unfortunately, even the wisest man who ever lived underestimated the lure and temptation, and it did not please God. In addition, the Torah warned the king not to have too many horses. Once again the Torah gave the reason: so that the Jews should not return to Egypt. Apparently, Egypt was the center for horses and it would bring the Jews back there, and this is forbidden. Shlomo HaMelech brazenly stated: ‘I will have many and will not succumb to go back to Egypt’.    At this Rebbi Yehoshua Ben Levi quotes Sanhedrin Yerushalmi 2:6 and states: The Book of Devarim ascended and prostrated itself before the Holy One, Blessed is He, and said, ‘Shlomo wishes to uproot the letter yud from me. He is transgressing the prohibition of acquiring many wives and many horses. The word ‘Yarbeh’  - a multitude -  begins with the letter yud. Hashem replied, Shlomo and a thousand like him will cease, but not a word from you the Torah will cease.

This most important Midrash teaches us a fundamental approach in the performance of Mitzvos. Shlomo HaMelech, the wisest man, looks at the reason the Mitzva is given and says that it won’t affect him. We have heard about the challenges and the tests that go along with a person winning the lottery and having instant wealth. At one point or another we all have said “it’s okay. Let me win the lottery and I will handle the tests.” Basically, we convince ourselves that we can overcome the challenge. Clearly, if Shlomo HaMelech was unable to measure up to avoid transgressing this prohibition, then certainly we should understand that this applies even more clearly to all of us.

We do not know why the Torah and even the Rabbis, for that matter, instituted certain commandments and enactments. There is a danger if we think we know the reasons and then think it won’t affect us or, worse, that those reasons do not apply to me. Somethings in life are and will remain secrets. Situations occur which remain unanswerable;  we aren’t necessarily entitled to know the background of why such and such is taking place. Let us work on our not judging others or judging situations which people find themselves struggling with. Ultimately, we do not know the reasons behind them, and, frankly, we are probably better off not knowing what the reasons are in the first place.

Ah Gut Shabbos

Rabbi Avraham Bogopulsky

*The Yalkut Shimoni or simply Yalkut is an aggadic compilation on the books of the Torah. From such older aggadot as were accessible to him, the author collected various interpretations and explanations of Biblical passages, and arranged these according to the sequence of those portions of the Bible to which they referred. The author of the Yalḳuṭ cannot be determined with certainty. The title-page of the Venice edition ascribes the composition of the work to R. Simeon of Frankfort, "the chief of exegetes" ("rosh ha-darshanim"), and this was accepted by David Conforte and Azulai, who called him Simeon Ashkenazi of Frankfort.