Rabbi's Blog

Living in San Diego has many benefits, but one negative is the lack of appreciation for the changing of the seasons. Growing up on the East Coast, we looked toward spring time when we finally could really enjoy going go outside. Once spring arrived, ball playing and all outdoor activities picked up, leaving winter dormancy behind. As I headed out to take the field or the courts, I forgot how soft and tender my skin became over the winter. It didn't take too long before the cuts and scrapes started to show up as I tumbled, rolled and fell.

I still remember the stinging of iodine as it was poured over open wounds in order to clean out the dirt. It was never sufficient to just put a band aid on top of the cut; it had to be 'cleaned out' in order to avoid infection. Usually cleaning the area in and around the cut and topping it off with iodine was more painful than the cut itself. As we get older we recognize that we don't only have physical cuts and bruises; we have emotional ones too. Scars that remained after a physical injury are almost looked upon as trophies of some sort. Physical scars are reminisced and laughed over years later. Emotional scars, however, can't be seen but are there nevertheless, imbedded in our memories forever, sometimes emerging years later.

I often hear comments such as, 'You shouldn't feel so bad, there are worse cases.' Or... 'look at the bright side of things'. Don't misinterpret what I am about to say. Those words may be true true and are meant to encourage someone who is down in the dumps, upset, and perhaps borderline depressed. Nevertheless, a person needs to know when it is appropriate to give that type of advice. In my humble opinion telling someone his or her situation could be worse should NOT be said when the wound is fresh and open. That kind of remark is only a band aid; it does not solve the problem or address the pain that the person is experiencing now. After the initial wound is cleaned out, only then can we apply a band aid and use that to encourage the healing process needed for rehabilitation. Slapping on a virtual band aid or just telling the person, 'Come on. People have it worse.' Or... 'Look at all the good you have,' may all be true but at best gives poor solace during times of trial or difficulty. These comments, while well-meaning, should come later, after a person has had time to "clean out" the initial hurt.

In a similar vein in Pirkei Avos 4:23, Rabbi Shimon Ben Elazar omer, Al Teratzeh es Chaveircha bish'as Kaasostates: "Do not appease your fellow in the time of his anger". Rashi explains that this would be an exercise in futility, because he is so enraged at this point. He will remain impervious to conciliatory words until he calms down. *Rav Menachem Ben Shlomo Meiri (1249-1316), known as 'the Meiri', says such hasty appeasement comes across as insincere, giving the impression that the speaker has little regard for the dilemma of the recipient.

In this week's parsha Shelach Moshe defends the Jewish people and spares them from annihilation. Hashem is furious with us, as we wanted to select another leader to take them back to Egypt. Moshe employs a tactic of "the Jewish God took His people out of Egypt only to kill them off in the desert". Moshe then says, "And now let the name of God become great and quotes six of the Thirteen Attributes of Mercy by which God is known. The Netziv gives a very short but insightful reason as regarding why only a partial listing of the attributes was referred to. Moshe was only looking for those 'middos', those character traits, that would appease Hashem for that moment. The Ramban also mentions the idea that Moshe was not seeking complete forgiveness, but only a partial forgiveness so to at least get the Jewish people into Eretz Yisrael. Once they arrived in Israel, Hashem would complete their punishment upon them and upon future generations.

We understand from the Netziv's explanation that even when it comes to soothing God's anger, we sometimes limit the kind of words we use. These particular six words and phrases are utilized to soften the relationship, confirming the notion of not saying too much. Perhaps if Moshe insisted upon using the full Thirteen Attributes, Hashem would have said, "Moshe, this time the people really went overboard, and don't try to convince Me with those words." Sometimes a person's own words can backfire when trying to use them to assuage anger or hurt.

When visiting the sick, pay a Shiva call, or even hear about a person's tzara (bad situation), don't start reciting the cliché's of be strong, have more faith, it could have been worse, etc. Only after the individual has fully digested his or her new situation, is it time to strengthen them with the words of Chazal to help them. Throughout the course of my career I have come to understand that it is so much easier to state words of comfort and to speak in clichés of the Rabbis than it is to be on the receiving end having to listen politely to words which give no substantive comfort or meaning. During the initial period of hurt, no matter what kind of hurt or how severe it may be, all a person should do in order to help is to listen to the person kvetch it out. Let the person spill out his guts and feelings of how difficult, challenging, and perhaps even overwhelming life is. Even if he says "life isn't fair" you should respond "you are right".

It states in Bamidbar 14:20: "and Hashem said Salachti Kidvarecha" - "I have forgiven you according to your word". May Hashem forgive all of His children for anything we may have done. Through our repentance Hashem should remove all pain, suffering, and sorrow from all of His children and may we serve God with a healthy body, mind, and soul. Amen!

Ah Gut Shabbos

Rabbi Avram Bogopulsky

*Rabbi Menachem ben Solomon Meiri was a provincial scholar and commentator of the Talmud. He summarized the teachings of his predecessors of the previous three centuries. His literary activity covered halachic rulings, Talmudic exposition, Biblical thought, customs, ethics, and philosophy. Meiri summarized the subject matter of the Talmud giving both the meaning and the halacha derived from it. He utilized all the rabbinic literature available to him so that his work may be considered a digest which gives a synoptic and comprehensive presentation of the whole expository and halachic activity up to his own time.