Rabbi's Blog

Typically, when we tackle a task as soon as we learn about it, it tends to get done quickly. When we allow ourselves only the estimated amount of time that task should take, or wait to get to it later, it inevitably takes longer to complete. People who commute to work usually do so during rush hour. It is called rush hour because everyone is rushing towards similar directions at the very same time. Many commuters try to leave for work early in order to avoid rush hour traffic., I have also observed a similar phenomenon when it comes to spiritual activity, although with a reverse benefit or loss. In many communities there are a host of daily minyanim for Shacharis. There is a correlation between the time when the service begins to the length of time the service takes! While the earlier minyanim go quickly, the later the starting time of the minyan the longer the davening time tends to be.

I recently attended a few weddings and spent some quality time with some newlyweds. As I reflect on these new-found relationships, I always find a way to give my two-cents worth of advice on marriage. I believe (and statistics should prove me right) that when it comes to timing, husbands and wives are at opposite extremes. More often than not one spouse is always early while the other is typically a bit tardy. The bigger issue of Shalom Bayis occurs when one spouse wants to leave early and have time to spare while the other prefers to leave with just enough time, allowing little if any room to spare. The dispute doesn't really start when they set out on the trip but rather at the arrival of their destination. If they are way early or arrive too late the famous "I told you so" line automatically comes up. A classic example is how early or late to go to the airport or arrive at a celebratory function within the family or community. We all understand no one wants to wait around by arriving too early, and no one wants to miss an important meeting or flight.

In this week's Parsha Ki Saytzeh the Torah speaks of a man taking a new wife and bringing her into his home and life. In Devarim 24:5 the Torah states, "Ki Yikach Ish Isha Chadasha Lo Yaitzeh baTzava v'Lo Yaavor alav l'cholDavar, Naki Yihyeh L'Beiso Shana Echas V'Seemach es Ishto Asher Lakach". "When a man takes a 'new' woman he shall not go out to battle for any purpose; he should be free for his wife for one year to the woman that he took". The Gemara Sotah 44a quoted by Rashi explains the word 'new' meaning new to him even though she may have been a divorcee, but to him she is a new wife. Rashi adds that this excludes a man who fulfills the Mitzva of Machzir Grushaso, remarrying his wife whom he had previously divorced (and she did not marry anyone else in between). Remarrying a previously divorced wife does not constitute marrying a 'new' wife. This follows my theory that they already know each other's idiosyncrasies and habits.

On a lighter note, perhaps, I suggest my approach to explain a very famous concept in arranging marriages. The Gemara Sanhedrin 22a states regarding the joining together of a man and woman: The arranging of Shidduchim by Hashem is as difficult as the splitting of the Red Sea. Splitting the sea is difficult because water naturally wants to stay together and not separate. Bringing together a man and a woman who are similar to each other will naturally want to be together. The difficulty is finding the opposites (as they say opposites attract) and bringing them together. It is unnatural to put together personalities that are opposite. We usually enjoy the company of those who are like us and share common interests. But God is able to do what is not natural and bring those opposites together in a manner which engenders growing ability to complement each other for what the other is lacking.

The person who takes a new wife becomes a different person as the new couple now merge as one, building a new entity. The old habits now share some new ones and vice versa for the wife who now shares her life with her husband. I recently heard a newlywed wife say "the job of of a spouse is to bring out the good qualities of his/her mate and correct and channel the negative qualities to something positive. The Baalei Mussar view taking of a new wife similar to a person trying to inculcate new good qualities that a spouse or new friend would have on you. The message of being early or late represents the middos of a person which need to be merged with other attributes in order to become an all-around better person. We need to work on those qualities and middos which are opposite of who we are and combine them within us. If we only work on the areas of our character which are enjoyable or are comfortable, we will not develop into who we have the potential to become.

Rosh Hashana ushers in Tishrei, the only month where we don't announce the molad, the coming of the new moon, on the previous Shabbos. Rosh Chodesh Tishrei is Rosh Hashana. The word Chodesh is the same root as chadash-new - not the same ordinary new month that we have every time the moon waxes and wanes and returns. Every month we have an opportunity to renew ourselves and our inner being. The first day of the month of Tishrei is not only new - it is the culmination of change which we experienced throughout the month of Elul. The Hebrew word for year, Shana, shares the letters that spell out 'shinui' which means a change. The renewal process that we go through every month literally creates a change in who we are. Month by month we evolve, hopefully in positive ways, changing and growing from who we were into who we are striving to become.

Ah Gut Shabbos

Rabbi Avram Bogopulsky