Rabbi's Blog

One of the most difficult Mitzvos in the Torah is honoring your father and mother. The fact that the Torah reveals the reward for this Mitzva to us speaks volumes regarding its importance - and probably its challenges. Like all Mitzvos, the opportunity to fulfill it isn't always dependent upon us to do so when we want to; some people are able to perform the mitzvah while others can not. In order to honor parents, they usually need to be in close proximity to where their children live. When children and parents are separated geographically, the ability to honor them is limited to phone conversations, e-mailing, Skyping and using snail mail.

My parents YB"L live in Eretz Yisrael, a good nine thousand miles away from me here in San Diego. Visiting with us for Yom Tov, the family took advantage of my father being here on the West Coast to get evaluated for a new technological device to help his eyesight. The only appointment they could get was the day before erev Yom Tov of Rosh Hashana. This being a very busy time for me, I arranged for a driver to take my parents to Los Angeles so my father could be evaluated in order to determine if he is a candidate for this procedure. Ever since that day I felt a great deal of guilt that I did not drive my parents to L.A. How often is it that I get to spend time with my parents? How often can I be of direct assistance to them? True, as a pulpit Rabbi I am very busy with many things which I must tend to before the High Holidays, but these are my parents and I had been presented with a golden opportunity to fulfill this Mitzva. I feel that I missed the boat. Surely, both my mother and my father understood it would be a severe strain on me to drive to L.A. that day. They adamantly stated that they did not want me to make that trip and insisted that I was not to go. But now I can't help but ask myself if I missed the greatest opportunity to fulfill the Mitzvah of Kibbud Av V'Aim - of honoring my father and mother - right before the Days of Judgment, the very time when we try to gather as many good deeds as possible?

In some cases this Mitzva can never be fulfilled, as in the case of an amora (Rabbinic figure during Talmudic times) named Abaye. Abaye (Hebrew: ?????) was born around the close of the third century.He died in 339. The gemara Zevachim 118b tells us his father Kaylil was a Kohein who traced his lineage back to Eli HaKohain. He was the brother of Rabbah bar Nachmani, a teacher at the Academy of Pumbedisa. Abaye's real name was Nachmani; he was named after his grandfather. The gemara Kiddushin 31b states that his father died after he was conceived, and his mother died during childbirth, leaving him orphaned from birth. Adopted by his uncle, Rabbah bar Nachmani, he was given the nickname Abaye ("my father"), to avoid confusion (and perhaps respect for his father) with his grandfather of the same name.Thenceforth he was known as Abaye, without any other title.

The gemara in Kiddushin 31b records another amora, Reb Yochanan Ben Nafcha, who was orphaned in a similar fashion. The Talmud records an interesting statement made by Reb Yochanan: Happy is he who has not seen them [his parents for the obligation of honoring them is so great]. R. Yochanan's father died when his mother conceived him, and his mother died when she bore him. Perhaps Reb Yochanan was happy not to have parents, for as Rashi explains, the punishment for not honoring is much worse than not having parents to honor.

A question could be posed; Did Rav Yochanan's reason about being happy apply to Abaye as well? I would like to suggest that Abaye was not happy to have lost the opportunity to honor his parents.I believe that his reaction would be "Woe to the person who didn't have the opportunity to do any Mitzva, especially the Mitzva of Kibbud Av V'Aim!"

In Parshas Haazinu the Torah relates in 32:18 "Tzur Yeladcha Teshi, VaTishkachAle M'Cholilecha": "You ignored the Rock Who gave birth to you, and forgot God who brought you forth". Rav Yakov Katina in his sefer Korban He'Ani (1882 Lvov-Lemburg) writes how Dovid Hamelech commanded his son Shlomo to live his life based upon this verse. Dovid continually ordered Shlomo to mention that he was the son of Dovid at all times. Hopefully, by repeatedly stating that his father was Dovid, Shlomo would be constantly reminded to walk in his father's ways and to act in a manner which would make Dovid Hamelech proud of him. Rav Yair Chayim Bacharach (1639-1702), a German rabbi and major 17th century posek, wrote in his sefer Chavos Yair that a son is obligated to fulfill the mitzvos and good customs of his father. If you forget the rock, meaning your physical father, then you will come to forget about God, your spiritual father. We can never forget the chessed and goodness which our parents did and continue to do for us - whether in this world or the next. Following their good ways and examples are how we maintain close connections and show the respect our parents are due.

There are times when the Mitzva shows up on our doorstep; we either let it in or sometimes don't bother to open it up. Hashem, as our King, Father and ultimate provider always offers us opportunities to fulfill Mitzvos and gain rewards. Particularly during the Ten Days of Repentance He is found more so than during the rest of the year. Do we want to take the approach of Reb Yochanan and be glad that we don't have a reason to do more Mitzvos (so that we don't get punished by not doing them) or do we emulate the attitude of Abaye and look for more opportunities for doing more Mitzvos?

Surely parents can at times be overbearing and demanding. But never forget that they are our parents. Keep in mind it is an honor and a privilege to serve them and to follow in their good footsteps. Avinu She'Bashamayim, our Father in Heaven, is knocking on our doors during the Ten Days of Repentance, nagging us and making all kinds of demands that parents ask of their children. Please bear in mind that He will be turning around and walking away after Yom Kippur if we don't open the door and invite Him in right now.