Rabbi's Blog

This Dvar Torah is sponsored by Kay Pekin in memory of her family members: Alan, Mark and Karen Raffee on their Yahrzeit 6 Teves December 28th

During the course of life we make contact with many people. Some of those people we meet remain acquaintances while other individuals we meet become our friends. The friendships we make differ, depending upon the time in our lives when each of the friendships were formed. We have friends from grade school, high school, camp, college, and yeshiva. Typically, those friendships were made when we were single. Another set of friends are  made in the workplace;  others are made post-college. Usually, the final time in life that we make friends comes after we are married, and those friends sometimes come about from our spouses.

I still maintain a friendship with the ‘guys’ from high school. Despite having gone our different ways, we can still sit down for hours and reminisce the good old days. Unfortunately, one friend of mine from yeshiva days (Yosef Yitzchok ben Miriam for a refuah shelaima), who has been seriously ill fighting cancer on and off during the past number of years, had a brain tumor removed two weeks ago. The last time I spoke to him was about three years ago when he was battling his last round of cancer, prior to that I hadn’t spoken to him for at least ten years. When I spoke to him a few days ago he said, ”Thank you for calling… you’re a good friend.”

At that point I asked myself: what is the difference between a friend, a good friend, a great friend, and a best friend? I felt that if I were really a good friend I would fly cross-country to be there!  I believe, however, that that title should be reserved for a best friend.  I hadn’t spoken to him in such a long time and truly called only because he is sick. My definitions of these different friends are as follows (feel free to have your own definitions): A friend is someone  you meet and enjoy talking to, but don’t have any deep connection to. A good friend is someone with whom there is mutual caring toward and who remembers you in time of need. A great friend is someone with whom you are frequently in touch and maintain close contact. A best friend is the person who is truly close and with whom there is a mutual bond that is so strong that, regardless of the situation, in time of need, either individual will basically will do anything for that person, no matter the distance, time of day, or personal cost.

The Hebrew word for friend is ‘chaver’. The root of the word ‘chaver’ means to connect or join together. Friendship creates bonds that connect and join people as one. One of Yakov Avinu’s grandsons was named ‘Chever’. It is interesting to note that in the listing of the seventy souls that went down to Egypt, only four of them were great grandsons: two from Yehuda and two from Asher.  Bereishis 46:12  mentions the sons of Yehuda, one of whom, Peretz, had Chetzron and Chamul. Later, in 46:17, the Torah lists the sons of Asher, one of whom was Beriah, who, in turn, had Chever and Malkiel.

Rav Avraham Eliyahu Mokotow, in his sefer HaParshios, explains the names of  two of Yehuda’s grandsons, Yehuda and Chamul. Yehuda, in his old age, called one grandson Chetzron, similar to the word Chisaron, meaning lacking or missing. This was to replenish that which was missing through the death of his son Er. The other grandson, Chamul, meaning spared or saved, was so named because  Hashem had compassion upon Yehuda by blessing him with Chamul  to replace his son Onan. Perhaps as a sign of relief,  Yehuda received two of his grandsons who were the fourth generation from Yakov.  But why where the grandchildren of Asher mentioned?

The Midrash Tzror HaMor explains these names were a reminder of Yakov’s blessing later on in Parshas Vayechi. In Bereishis 49:20 the Torah states: “MeiAsher Shmeina Lachmo V’Hu Yitein MaAdanei Melech” - ”From Asher shall come the richest foods; he shall provide the king’s delights”. The land of Asher was superior and would produce delicious food that was brought to the kings. Therefore, they were named Chever (Friend) and Malkiel (God the King) because they were friends to the kings.   

The Midrash Seichel Tov explains the uniqueness of the name Chever from a verse in Tehilim 119:63. Dovid HaMelech states: “Chaver Ani L’Chol Ahsher Y’Reiucha U’l’Shomrei Pikudecha” - “I am a companion to all who fear You, and to those who preserve Your precepts”. The Eben Ezra spoke of  Dovid HaMelech who sought out a companion and a friend who feared the negative commandments. Dovid associated with someone afraid of the Mitzvos Lo Taaseh – the negative mitzvos. On the other hand the RaDak Rav, Dovid Kimchi, explains that Dovid HaMelech, would extend his friendship to those who hate the wicked but loved those who fear Hashem and keeps His Mitzvos. Dovid says:  “I love those who fear Hashem and fulfill His commandments… I want to be close to them and become their friend and companion. 

Perhaps with this explanation we can understand the teachings of two students, Reb Yehoshua Ben Prachya and Nitai Ha’Arbeili, whose teachings are juxtaposed to one another. In Pirkei Avos 1:6,7 Reb Yehoshua Ben Prachya says, “Acquire a friend for yourself,” while Nitai Ha’Arbeili follows by stating, “Distance yourself from a bad neighbor.” The definition of a good neighbor is someone who is worthy of becoming your friend. Someone who is worthy of being your friend should be the person with whom you become a neighbor.  These are individuals who fear God and are concerned about violating a negative commandment but have the desire to fulfill the positive commandments. What are some of the criteria  a person should choose when looking for a place to live? The most important value to seek is that the person be a ‘Chaver” who seeks out Hashem in the best possible manner.

I would suggest that as the Bnei Yakov are moving into the new neighborhood of Mitzrayim that they need to be reminded of the value of acquiring a Chaver Tov, a good friend, who ultimately would be a suitable  neighbor as well.  In our lives we have many different kinds of “neighbors and friends”. Wherever we travel, whether on a vacation, just short trip or relocate to a new home that we seek out a chaver a friend.   While  friend, a good friend, or even a best friend is usually determined over time as the friendship becomes cemented, let’s make sure we follow the counsel of our sages in making the right choice of friends.

Ah Gut Shabbos                      

Rabbi Avraham Bogopulsky